“That’s not what really happened, that’s jus’ what tha preacher tells ya!’ My uncle Eric was more than a little crass, and every Sunday we could expect some sort of lecture about why we wasted the past two hours by going to church. “You’d a been better off settin’ right here an’ watchin’ football instead of listenin’ ta those lies.”
“Watch your mouth Eric Jack van Robertson! As long as you still live under this roof you are going to show some respect to our Lord and Saviour!” My grandmother’s warning always fell on deaf ears.
He asked us what we had learned about that week in Sunday school. I answered him proudly: “We learned the story of Lot!”
“If you wanna know what really happen’d ta Lot and his family, you gotta listen ta me.” And we did, we always listened to what uncle Eric had to say, not because it made sense, but because we’d get to hear a couple of the forbidden swear words we were always taught not to say and that would help to fill up the dull Sunday afternoons we were forced into spending at our grandparents’ house, waiting for the Sunday family dinner to be prepared.
“Now tha preachers says dem two angels come down from heaven ta warn Lot, right? Well let me tell you what I read. What I read was that they wasn’t angels at all. They was aliens. That’s right: aliens! Now hear me out. These aliens was tryin’ ta make a new race and form-u-late them, and tha folks that was living in Sodum and Go-more-ah, well they was all mess’d up. They was fuckin’ an’ screwin’ an’ sheep, an’ mens was fuckin’ men, an’ folks was havin’ it with their own brothers an’ sisters, an’ their cousins, an’ guys was just goin’ out an’ a rapin’ women.”
“Eric!”
“I’m just tellin’ like it is in du Bible. Anyways, tha aliens saw all dis and they wasn’t too happy ‘bout it, so they decide that they was gonna destroy all the peoples in these two cities, but they figured that since Lot and his family has stayed all good, even when everything else ‘round ‘em was so bad, that they was worth keeping’, so befores the aliens blewed the shit outta them cities, they figured they’d go collect up Lot an’ let ‘im know’d what was goin’ down.”
“Well, how is it that you figure they were aliens?”
“I’ll tell ya how. Ya see, when they come down, they says to Lot, ‘Lot’, they says, “Lot, you gotta pack up your girls an’ wife an’ take ‘em outta here ‘cause we blowin’ this here place up, an’ don’t be a lookin’ back ‘cause you’ll git burn’d up if ya does.’ Now let me ask you somethin’, God is om-nee-po-tent right?”
“What?”
“Om-nee-po-tent. It means he can do whatever he wants, however he wants, whenever he wants. So God is om-nee-po-tent right?”
“Sure, that is what they say at church.”
“Well, if that were so, then why was it that Lot an’ his folks had to leave at a certain time? If this was the work of an om-nee-po-tent God, well that God would have just plucked up Lot and his wife and his girls an’ placed ‘em in a new city an’ the two bad ones woulda been wiped off clean without no trace of nothin’. But no, see, tha aliens, they come an’ they just says, ‘You gotta leave or you’re a gonna git blowed up too. An’ don’t be lookin’ back, ‘cause if you do, you’s gonna gits burn’d up. Now that was just like with the nuclear weapons in the films we were learned about in grade school. They said if you was covered up an’ turned away from the blast, an’ you was far enough away, you’d be alright, but if you turned an’ looked, then the heat from the blast an’ the light, well it’d burn ya right up. That’s what they said, so you see the things they used to blow up Sodom and Go-more-ah was just like nuclear weapons, and God don’t need no nuclear weapons to clean up his own mess, now does he?”
“No.”
“You are filling their heads with garbage Eric!”
“I’m fillin’ their heads wit da truth is what I’m doin’. Now when dem dere aliens come to visit, you know’d what happen’d? Lot invited dem in, an’ when they come in, all the neighbours from the city come all around an’ called out ta Lot; ‘Let’s have dem visiters of yers.’ an’ Lot, he figures they gonna rape ‘em an’ fuck ‘em like they all do with everybody else, so he says ‘No, you canna have ‘em, but my two lil’ girls here, they is virgins an’ I’ll send dem out to ya and ya’ll can fuck ‘em ‘til you feel fit and ready to stop.”
“Eric!”
“What? That’s what he said? Anyways, the aliens, bein’ as how they had technology to stop the neighbours, they says to Lot, “Don’t send your lil’ girls out there, we’ll take care of this.’ An’ they went out there, they flashed these things at the folks outside an’ made ‘em all blind so’s that nobody would come an’ fuck wit Lot and his fam’ly. But can you believe that? A man of God offering up his lil’ girls ta be raped? I tell ya, it makes me sick jus’ thinking’ ‘bout it. Anyways, these alien folks tell Lot, don’t be a lookin’ back, and when they take off the next day, well what does Lot’s wife gotta do? She goes a lookin’ back and: poof! She gits all burnt up, jus’ like they says would happen in dem school films I saw when I was young. So ya sees, it worked out jus’ like the nuclear weapon I tol’ ya about.
“Now, what is the worse part of the story, is these two lil’ girl, they don’t know no mother anymore, and they get to campin’ with their pa, and they says to each other, ‘Boy, it is sure sad that pa’s not gonna have anybody to carry on his seed, being as how our older sisters who are married off didn’t come along and died in the big blast.’ An’ they decide on getting their ol’ man drunk and havin’ it with him. So’s the first night they git him drunk, an’ one girl she goes in there and does it with her ol’ man and the second night the other one goes in there with her ol’ man and then they both get pregnant by ‘im. An’ dis here is what the Bible is sayin’ is ok? Now yous boys is young, but you gotta know’d better than that? You think it’d be alright to be goin’ ‘round an’ gettin’ naked with your ma, or if your lil’ cousin went-a-havin’ sex with your uncle Jake?”
“Uh-uh.”
“See, but here you are, goin’ to church an’ hearin’ a preacher tell a story about a family livin’ in a city where everybody is stickin’ it in every whole that’s open, an’ some aliens come down and destroy it so’s to start their civilization o’er, an’ then two young girls go have sex with their ol’ man. Now you both know better than all that.” With this he paused and took a long sip of his beer before continuing: “Now you know’d the real story of Lot and his fam’ly, tha secret one that nobody at tha church is going to be tellin’ ya. So instead of you listen ta all that garbage, you gotta tell your ma ta let ya be an’ stay at home and watch some football with your uncle Eric, and when they all get back from church, in between commercials, I’ll tell ya the real story behind the made-up stories ya hear at church.”
Needless to say, our mother couldn’t be talked into letting our uncle Eric do the preaching for us, but which ever Bible story we had to sit through come Sunday morning, uncle Eric was always there to set us straight when we arrived at out grandparent’s house on Sunday afternoon, sharing with us Biblical secrets which would astound even Dan Brown.
Hayez Francesco’s Lot and His Daughters.
